What better way to talk about love languages than to reflect on the one day of the year that embodies love itself. That’s right, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day and the lessons it taught me about love languages.
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Valentine’s Day Confession #1: I Didn’t Know Love Was A Language
I was dumped on Valentine’s Day – Over. The. Phone!
We were talking one minute and then arguing the next minute. Not sure what provoked the argument but it concluded with him saying that I don’t show him affection and the words “maybe we shouldn’t be together”. I repeated the words back and just like that – it was over. After a few minutes of crying I started collecting his things. Things like love letters, notes, pictures even his goofy pendant necklace that I was wearing around my neck went in a box to return to sender. I was 15 and in my mother’s words it was just “puppy love” that I would be over it by the following week. In retrospect I don’t think either of us knew how we ended up on opposite sides of breakup lane but it was obvious that we were oblivious to each other’s love languages.
Valentine’s Day Confession #2: Love Languages Can Hurt & Backfire When Done Wrong
Following that Valentine’s Day was the one where a kid who had an open crush on me dressed up in a tuxedo and delivered chocolates and a dozen roses to another girl in my class. Yes, you read that correctly! He delivered them to another girl in my class. As a teenager I was equal parts jealous and turned off. But, a part of me was relieved that he didn’t do that over-the-top gesture to me because I would have felt embarrassed. His strategy hurt and backfired because I wanted nothing to do with him after that.
Valentine’s Day Confession #3: Just Because You’re Married Doesn’t Make It Easier
As you now know, I don’t have the best track record of good valentine’s day. Even as a married person, the day of love and affection was still pretty bad – until recently. Let me be clear, it wasn’t because of my husband at least not entirely. Truth is, he tries. One year he got us a table at an expensive restaurant in Boston. It was beautiful and most females would have been flattered with the gesture but not me. I was calculating the expenses the whole time. It was like there was this imaginary tornado whirling in my head with how much money he was spending. Even filling up the gas tank to get back home from the restaurant pushed this imaginary tornado to the next category. Oh my gosh, when that tornado hit the ground and it did – we were both left feeling destroyed.
Looking back, I realize that we feel and give love differently. My husband gives love in the form of physical touch and gifts and feels love through affirmation and physical touch. On the flip side, I show love by way of acts of service. I feel loved through acts of service and when I am made to feel safe both emotionally and financially (not sure what love language that one falls under but it’s very true for me). When my husband was spending money that could be used for bills, I felt uneasy and insecure. My insecurity was expressed through my body language and sadly – my words. It left him feeling like I didn’t appreciate him and unloved! That’s wasn’t true I love my husband but it took us a while before we understood each other’s love language and needs.
The 5 Love Languages
#1 Receiving Gifts
At first glance this may come off as materialistic but it isn’t. It just means that a meaningful or thoughtful gift makes goes a long way with your partner. These gifts don’t always come wrapped in paper and topped with a bow. Sometimes a gift could be in the form of their favorite snack after a whole day with the kids or at work. These gifts are considered thoughtful and make your partner feel appreciated.
#2 Physical Touch
Don’t confuse physical touch with wanting excessive PDA. This just means that they feel connected and safe in a relationship by way of physical touch. For example, holding hands when walking, a kiss to say good morning, goodbye or good night, etc. Words are not enough if your partner’s love language is physical touch. They will feel unloved without the and disconnected. It’s important to remember that your partner wants to feel connected to you, not just emotionally but also physically.
#3 Words of Affirmation
This love language expresses love with words that build up your partner. If this is your partner’s love language then words mean a lot to them. Compliments and saying “I love you” can go a long way. But it’s important to know that on the flip side negative or insulting comments can hurt them and take them much longer to forgive than others. Be authentic when giving your partner words of affirmation. Don’t just say something you don’t really mean – say something that you are thinking but assume they already know. For example:
“Wow, you look great tonight!”
“I really love how you can make me laugh.”
“That perfume really smells good on you.”
“I appreciate everything you do for me.”
#4 Quality Time
If this is your partner’s primary love language than consider giving them your full undivided attention. This means blocking out some time where you focus on them – no phones, computers or any other distractions. Looking directly into your partner’s eyes when speaking with them will go far. Take note that if you cancel/postpone a date or are not fully present will leave your partner feeling jaded.
#5 Acts of Service
Okay, if you ever heard your partner say, “actions speak louder than words” then your partner’s love language is probably Acts of Service. This love language comes in the form of doing things for your spouse that you know they would like. It can be as simple as cooking a meal, doing laundry or taking care of something on their to-do list. Keep in mind that these things should be done from a place of desire to make your partner happy and not out of obligation. Avoid doing anything out of obligation or negative undertones because it will not be seen as an expression of love but something entirely different.
Summary
When you understand you and your partner’s love langauges you form a stronger connection and relationship. It wasn’t till I understood my own love languages that I was able to appreciate my husband’s love languages. And if you think you totally botched your relationship…take it from the girl with tornados whirling in her head, there’s still hope! This year Valentine’s Day didn’t consist of an over-the-top restaurant. Instead there was a dozen roses on the counter when I came home with a really sweet note followed by a valentine breakfast and car wash. What can I say I’m a cheap date and I really needed that car wash, lol. In return I gave him words of affirmation and sprinkled our quality time with physical touch. What’s your love languages?
Did You Like This Post?
If you liked this post please let me know in the comments – it really helps me keep going! And if you liked this post you might also like 5 Valentine’s Day Ideas for Couples and 50 Inexpensive Dates With Your Spouse To read more about the 5 love languages you can read Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The secret To Love That Lasts